is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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