Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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