I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
