Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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