I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
