Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
