Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
