It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
