just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
