Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
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he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
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I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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