dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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