shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
