i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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