Betty ford says i'm here all night
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
