Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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