So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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