I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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