They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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