im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
