my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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