i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
