Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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