Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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