The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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