The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
