I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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