he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
