remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
