My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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