I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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