I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My cat gives me a boner
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
