Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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