I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
