MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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