He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize