So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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