If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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