Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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