Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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