my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
