Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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