i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
