I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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