The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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