She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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