From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Is it because I queefed?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
