We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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