Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
