i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
