Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
