No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
