fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
