i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish I only lived at night.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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