Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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