I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
