FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
