im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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