i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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